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Why You Should Marry a Non-English Speaker

I am much amused by a Hagar the Viking cartoon in which Lucky Eddie declares Norwegian girls as being the best. Hagar the sea bandit says, ‘Yes, but Bulgarian girls are pretty and they’re good cooks.’

Undeterred, the Viking’s hapless helper then raises the issue of language: ‘But a Bulgarian girl cannot speak to you!’ Hagar considers this for a moment before brightly replying: ‘And that’s another good thing.’

I speak from experience when I say that sharing one’s life with a lady whose language is different from one’s own is an enriching experience. Mine when writing often sends my happy hags (hugs). She also sends me worm (warm) cuddles. I recall the time when after telling me she was on her way home it might be a good idea if I put the cattle on.

Her written endearments are an absolute delight. They would lose much of their charm had she a better understanding of English. What you describe as killing two birds with one stone comes out as the farmer who shot two rabbits with one gun. She prefers me wearing shorts because she likes my beer (bare) legs. 

I cock the dinners up. I think she means I cook the dinners up but I can’t be certain. Recently she crocheted a hut for her friend’s head.

I told Lisa, my Danish friend I thought her plucky. I never realised how close I was to being hand-bagged. She was much offended until she checked out its English meaning.  Being plucky in Danish has a different implication, which I leave to your imagination.

A German friend suggested we go to the pluffin for a meal. At first bewildered, I realised he meant The Plough Inn. At the bottom of a Chilean friend’s letter was the instruction; ‘please turn around.’  I did so several times before realising he meant PTO as in ‘please turn over.’

There was the English language student who asked: ‘Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?’

Her teacher was taken aback when another student said: ‘Please don’t shoot so many people in my country.’

‘Could you repeat that very slowly,’ the tutor replied. The student spelt it out for her: ‘Police don’t shoot people in my country very often.’

I am glad that is cleared up. Another explained to her teacher: ‘My mother wants me to marry a good, successful man but I want to marry my boyfriend.’

A student of English was enthusiastic about her progress. She breathlessly observed that if she studied hard she was sure of graduating in 2021 years. Perhaps the same young lady who wrote, ‘we served a nice pig dinner’ after her friends visited for a dinner party.

One can hardly blame them. It has been said that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

I had hardly known my saintly wife for more than a week or so when she told me she loved having intercourse with me. For goodness sake, we hadn’t at the time as much as kissed. It then dawned on me that she had learned much of her conversational English from old English classics. The term before the 20th century was a commonly used term for conversation.

As we settled into married bliss I had to remind her that men have chests not breasts and men wear briefs whilst women wear panties.

My wife learned much of her English from me. A rather genteel neighbour was a little taken aback when my nearest and dearest described her neighbour’s potted plants as ‘looking the dog’s bollocks.’ This is an expression I often use ~ around the house.

An elderly couple having been friends for years decided to marry. Having discussed living and financial arrangements the delicate subject is raised. The elderly gentleman asks his soon to be bride how often a ‘physical arrangement’ might be presumed. She replies: ‘Infrequently.’ He pauses for a moment and then asks: ‘Is that one word or two?’ ~ Michael Walsh


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MICHAEL WALSH is a journalist, broadcaster and the author of WITNESS TO HISTORY, RISE OF THE SUN WHEEL (Paperback / Ebook), EUROPE ARISE, TROTSKY’S WHITE NEGROESMEGACAUST,  DEATH OF A CITY,  MY LAST TESTAMENT LET GOD JUDGE ME, THE BUSINESS BOOSTERDEBTOR’S REVENGE,  IMMORTAL BELOVEDTHE ALL LIES INVASION (Paperback / Ebook), THE All LIES INVASION II (Paperback / Ebook)Odyssey Adolf Hitler, Death of a City, INSPIRE A NATION Volume I and II,  SLAUGHTER OF A DYNASTY, REICH AND WRONG, THE RED BRIGANDS, RANSACKING THE REICH, SCULPTURES OF THE THIRD RIECH: ARNO BREKER AND REICH SCULPTORS, SCULPTURES OF THE THIRD REICH VOLUME II Josef Thorak and Reich Sculptors, SCULPTURES OF THE THIRD REICH VOLUME III Porcelain and Reich Sculptors, The Exiled Duke Romanov Who Turned Desert Into Paradise, THE DOVETAILS, SEX FEST AT TIFFANY’S, THE PHANTOM OF OPHELIA, A Leopard In Liverpool, The Stigma Enigma (Paperback / Ebook), The Souls Meet, All I Ask Is a Tall Ship, The Leaving of Liverpool (Paperback/Ebook), Britannic Waives the Rules (Paperback/Ebook), Whispering Hope, FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT SPEAK, and other book titles. These best-selling books are essential for the libraries of informed readers.


The revenge of a predator is a city-vigilante epic better than Death Wish A LEOPARD IN LIVERPOOL, 55 lavishly illustrated first-hand stories by a Liverpool sailor THE LEAVING OF LIVERPOOL (Paperback / Ebook), Britannic Waives the Rules (Paperback/Ebook), UNTOLD SAGAS OF THE SEA Volume I (Paperback / Ebook), Latest Killer-Thriller From Michael Walsh the City Vigilante Supremo The Stigma Enigma (Paperback / Ebook), A powerful thought-provoking paranormal romance The Souls Meet, How to form a naughty ménage a trois THE DOVETAILS and SEX FEST AT TIFFANY’S.

 MICHAEL WALSH is a journalist, author, and broadcaster. His 70 books include best-selling  A LEOPARD IN LIVERPOOL Vigilante Thriller (Paperback / Ebook); THE LAST GLADIATORS Fiancés of Death (Paperback / Ebook); AFRICA’S KILLING FIELDS: African Victims of the Liberal-Left (Paperback / Ebook); RHODESIA’S DEATH EUROPE’S FUNERAL European to Wall Street Colonialism (Paperback / Ebook); The Stigma Enigma (Paperback / Ebook), RISE OF THE SUN WHEEL (Paperback / Ebook), EUROPE ARISE, FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT SPEAK, THE ALL LIES INVASION (Paperback / Ebook), THE All LIES INVASION II (Paperback / Ebook), Death of a City, INSPIRE A NATION Volume I, INSPIRE A NATION Volume II, and many other book titles. These illustrated best-selling books are essential for the libraries of informed readers.

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MEGACAUST Michael Walsh. R. J. Rummel,   Power Kills: Genocide and Mass Murder (Journal of Peace Research) 164 million people have been killed in cold blood this century by Capitalist / Communist governments. 

SLAUGHTER OF A DYNASTY  Michael Walsh. Covertly sponsored by Wall Street banks and the White House Bolsheviks seized Tsarist Russia (regime change). For 36 years news of Bolshevik atrocities and 70 million martyred Christians were censored by Western media.  Lavishly illustrated, this expose reveals secrets removed from Western history books.

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